A Stalker’s Playbook for Valentine’s Day

There are three types of people on Valentine’s Day:

1. People who have a date.
2. People who don’t have a date.
3. People who have a date, but their dates don’t realize it.

If you belong to category 3, you’re also known as a stalker. If you’re not a very good one, here are some tips for stalking.

Disclaimer: This post is just for laughs, and stalking is totally not encouraged. That means don’t do it, sicko!

Step 1: Finding someone to obsess over

It might be hard to find a date for Valentine’s Day, but finding someone to obsess over is ridiculously easy. It could literally be anybody! It could be that person you bumped into on the bus, a co-worker, or if you’re feeling really gross, that cousin you don’t really see all that often (or if you’re even grosser, that one that you do).

Just pick a person, and you’re off to a good start. Or if you’re really lucky, someone like your favorite author will just fall right into your life.

Step 2: State your intentions

Asking a person out for dinner on Valentine’s Day is really stressful, so Stalkers tend to bend the rules a bit for their own convenience.

For example, you can still call someone on the phone, but you don’t actually need to converse with them. Just breathe heavily for a bit, and then hang up.

You can also send gifts and flowers to a person, but obviously without revealing your identity. You could show that you care by including a card that says “You love me, I know it!” or that stalker snapshot you took of him/her on the train.

One famous stalker even made rabbit soup to get her crush’s attention.

Step 3: Prepping for the big date

You’re going to need all the luck you can get for the big date, so make that luck happen by making a shrine. Decorate this shrine with creepy stalker photos, bits of their hair, stolen underwear or anything you can dig out from their garbage.

If you’re into self-mutilation (and what self-respecting stalker isn’t?) then you could also tattoo your crush’s name across your chest using a knife and some pen ink!

One good thing to do would be to get yourself psyched up by listening to lots of love songs. To help, I’ve compiled a stalker playlist for you at the end of this post.

Step 4: The big date!

Regular folks have dinner dates on Valentine’s Day, and stalkers aren’t all that different. They’re there too, but just at another table.

Finding which restaurant to go to can be tricky, and there are two ways to figure this out. You can either cold-call every restaurant around until you get the right one, or just stalk your crush on the night and hope for an empty table. Both methods have their pros and cons, so you’ll just have to trial and error this one.

Once you’re there, get a table with a good view of your crush, and then pretend he/she is sitting with you. When they leave, go over and plant a kiss on their glass, so you can have that extra special lip-to-lip intimacy.

If your crush stays home, that’s even easier. Just climb a tree with a pair of binoculars, and spend quality time with them.

A positive case study where a stalker eventually married his crush

Step 5: Watch them while they sleep

Statistically, stalkers don’t get invited up for coffee and “sexy time” after dinner. But stalkers in a small American town named Forks have discovered a way to prolong the date by breaking into their crush’s bedrooms and then watching them sleep.

Edward Cullen proves you don’t need to be invisible to watch someone in their room

Apparently in Forks, girls LOVE that.

Step 6: Cement the memory

You’ve no doubt taken lots of photos of your crush throughout the night, and it’s time to remember this momentous occasion by Photoshopping yourself into these photos. If you don’t have any photoshop skillz, you can kick it analogue style with some glue and scissors.

Add the photo to your shrine, but don’t forget to send a copy to your crush so that they will remember you too.

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The Stalker Playlist

Just in case you need some music to get you in the mood, here are some stalker songs.