Singapore – An independent study conducted in Singapore has revealed disturbing links between laksa and violent behaviour. The study found that in the last five years, 208 out of 237 homicide and suicide cases in Singapore were perpetrated by people who were known to eat laksa.
Laksa is a popular Peranakan spicy noodle soup that contains curry and coconuts.
According to Dr Dominic Ho, head of the Institute of Psychological and Gastronomical Studies (IPGS), the common link between many recent murders and suicide victims was laksa, leading them to believe that this seemingly innocent spicy dish can alter a person’s mindset to the point where they are capable of violent antisocial behavior.
“I’m not saying that everyone who eats laksa is going to kill someone or themselves. But a startling 88% of these murderers have indeed eaten laksa before. I think you can do the math yourself.” – Dr Dominic Ho, head of the Institute of Psychological and Gastronomical Studies
The IPGS has called for an immediate ban on laksa until further tests can be conducted. Foods also listed in the report include vindaloo curry, sambal sting ray, and any snack food that includes an image of a cartoon mascot on its packaging. The report recommends that anyone who sees someone eating such foods should contact the IPGS or the nearest panic-monger immediately.
To seek public opinion on the matter, this reporter interviewed a wide cross-section of the laksa eating community. When the subjects were asked if eating laksa does make them feel violent, both of them agreed that it does.
This reporter also interviewed an expert in the field of food studies, but as the expert’s opinions completely contradicted this reporter’s opinions, a blogging monkey was interviewed instead. When asked for its opinion, the monkey snarled and began to furiously masturbate, which leaves this reporter to believe that the blogging monkey’s expert testimony supports the IPGS’s findings.
When pressed about these accusations, a Katong-based laksa merchant, who declined to give his name, had only this to offer: “F*ck off, you ignorant assholes. What kinda bullshit journalism do you call this? What happened to the good old days when you guys just pinned this rubbish on the regular scapegoats like rap music and videogames? Laksa doesn’t make people violent! It’s the videogames and 50 Cent, damnit!”
On Sunday, an angry divorcee slammed her car into her ex-husband and his new family. When questioned, the divorcee’s friends revealed that she has indeed eaten laksa at least twice during the last few years.
Note: This is a repost of something I wrote ages ago, slightly edited to mess around with a friend.