Katie was sitting in a cafe, quietly reading her copy of Interview with the Vampire. It was probably her fifth or sixth time reading the book, but she just loved the characters so much – even if Anne Rice tends to spend entire paragraphs describing a glass of wine.

No matter, she thought to herself as she took a sip from her latte and took a look at the pouring rain outside. It’s not like she was in a hurry to go anywhere on a lazy Sunday morning anyway.

Just as she was about to resume her reading, a shadow fell across her book.

“Hi! Are you reading Interview with the Vampire?”

Katie looked up and saw a perky young twenty-something girl standing over her, with a well-practiced smile that obscured the rest of her face.

Before Katie could respond, the strange girl took a seat next to her and placed her hand on her Katie’s shoulder.

“I used to be like you.”

Katie cocked an eyebrow. Used to be like me? Bitch, you’re probably half my age, she thought to herself.

The strange girl continued, “I read Anne Rice too, but that was before I discovered Twilight! Stephanie Meyer is an amazing author. She writes characters that are just incredibly hunky and good-looking!” 

“I’m sorry,” Katie interrupted her, “But do I know you?”

A brief wave of confusion flashed over the strange girl’s face, before the increasingly-annoying smile resurfaced again.

“Oh, I’m Kristy. And I want to tell you all about the Twilight saga and the gorgeous men that are in it. If you thought Lestat was a dish, then you have got to meet Edward. He is one brooding dream-boat vampire!” 

“Thanks,” Katie interrupted her again, “But it’s not the handsome vampires that appeal to me. I guess I just like the feeling of isolation that she’s able to convey.”

The strange girl was undeterred by Katie’s polite protest, and continued her monologue.

“Twilight is not just about hunky vampires, you know? For instance, Jacob is a werewolf, and he’s got great abs! Once you start reading Twilight, you’ll realize just how wrong you were to ever like a hack like Anne Rice.”

For Katie, that last statement just tipped her scales from mild annoyance to downright irritation.

“Excuse me,” she said. “I happen to really enjoy Anne Rice’s books. If you’re saying that Stephanie Meyer’s books are really different from Anne Rice’s, then I probably won’t enjoy them as much.”

For extra effect, Katie glared at Kristy with her best evil eyes… an action that didn’t quite achieve the desired result.

“Well, that’s totally because you’ve never read Twilight before. Once you do, you’ll realize just how wrong Anne Rice’s interpretation of vampires is. I’m sure she means well, but she’s just so wrong, and she’s really not that good a writer either. You enjoy them now, but trust me, you’ll realize that they’re actually really boring and draggy.”

Katie had stopped paying attention, but Kristy just kept going.

“I mean, how many times can the same vampire say that he’s sad? Like, just get over yourself, right?” 

Katie cursed Stephanie Meyer under her breath, and made a mental note to call her cousin the scientist and plead with him to design a killer robot and a time machine, so that they can kill Stephanie Meyer before she could ever write Twilight and inadvertently create such a terrible bunch of fans. She closed her eyes and grinned as she fantasized about Meyer’s death.

“So yeah, you really need to do yourself a favor by putting down that book, and getting yourself a copy of Twilight immediately! Well, you don’t have to… but if you loved books, you would.”

Kristy finally ended her sales pitch, took a deep breath and put on that smile again.

“Remember, I used to be like you. But now that I’ve read Twilight, it’s like… I’m enlightened. Bye, Katie! I’ll see you on the Twilight forums then, ya?”

As Kristy bounced away to rejoin her group of friends (what kind of psycho leaves their friends to talk to a stranger, anyway?), Katie vowed never to read a Stephanie Meyer book.

Outside the window, the rain continued to pour.

Update: In case you were wondering, Kristy is an amalgamation of many people I’ve had the displeasure of meeting before – including myself, when I was a young rabid Sega-fan who would vocally besmirch other consoles like the Playstation and Super-Nintendo (and their fans).

I realize now that when it comes to just about anything (books, movies, videogames, choice of breakfast cereals), everyone has a different opinion and the only way to a better world is to accept that. Engage in a healthy debate by all means, but don’t ever deny someone else the right to their opinion or enforce your own on others.

About Drew

I love my kids, my wife movies and video games (in no particular order). Sometimes my dog too, but he likes to stink up my pillow these days.

19 responses »

  1. Cara Olsen says:

    You are a strange one, Drew. 😉

  2. zezil says:

    True story eh?

  3. Jepiner says:

    Stephenie Meyer was not bad….I am a fan of Twilight series but just a bit disappointed with the last book. However, I have never read any of Anne Rice’s book before. So I guess I’ll add that to my list. 🙂

    • drewpan says:

      Anne Rice’s books can get extremely draggy because she does tend to over-describe things… but wow I really liked Lestat and Louis as characters. The first three books are really good, but after that I lost genuine interest in the story. Still read the books, but didn’t connect to the characters as much after that.

  4. meladjusted says:

    Hahahahahahaha – it’s funny because it’s true and it’s sad because it’s true – accurate observations, good reading – thanks!

    • drewpan says:

      Hahah thanks a bunch! Yeah, sadly I’ve been on the receiving end of that kinda barrage too many times. Even sadder is the fact that I’ve been guilty of that once or twice too!

  5. awesome … I can practically hear the annoying voice of Kristy chattering on and on. However, whereas I absolutely loathe anything connected with Twilight, I have to agree with Kristy … Anne Rice is an awful writer who just happened to tap into the public zeitgeist with her little vampire stories. Her other books are even worse. If anything, you and your killer time-traveling robot should hunt down Anne Rice, as she obviously had an influence on Stephanie Meyer. No Rice, no Meyer … easy-squeasie!

    • drewpan says:

      But Anne Rice’s writing also influenced White Wolf’s World of Darkness role-playing games, especially Vampire: the Masquerade! And those were cool!

  6. paralaxvu says:

    Agree with Katie, disagree with Stephen Kelly and, I guess, you too, Drew. Something tells me you guys wouldn’t like Faulkner or Joyce, either;-) Don’t know about Stephanie Meyer, can’t bring myself to read her books. Think perhaps I’m too old for them;-)

    • drewpan says:

      I’ll never claim to be a literature fan, to be honest. I do like reading books, but I admit my taste is rather juvenile. If it wasn’t for school, I doubt I’d have ever picked up a Dickens or Shakespeare (as much as I love name-dropping what I know about them in my writing… every gold-digging character I’ve ever created is named Estella hahaha!).

      These days I read trashy “guy books” by Tom Clancy, David Baldacci, and silly fantasy novels based on Dragonlance and Warcraft. Don’t see any of these winning literature prizes anytime soon!

    • Hey paralaxvu … actually had a literature minor in college, and yes, I’ve actually read Faulkner amd Joyce … and more than once. Big fan of a couple of guys named Steinbeck and Hemingway too. … even the books without pictures!

      • paralaxvu says:

        Yeah, but Steinbeck and especially Hemingway used far fewer words than the other two and Ms. Rice. I dunno, I just think her descriptive language draws one into her stories…ok, maybe not you, but I for one am not going out after midnight if I ever get to New Orleans;-)

  7. Lestat would kick Edward Cullen’s pasty pale *ss. Comparing the works of Anne Rice to those of Stephanie Meyer is comparing apples and oranges. But, at the end of the day, as long as people are actually READING we’re all winners. I fear that it will soon become no more than a quaint and historic pastime.

  8. Alvin says:


    I used to be just like you, thinking that Twilight and Anne Rice were all that. That was until I discovered this show Count Duckula. Not everybody would know about it now cus it’s quite niche and indie but I guarantee you that Duckula’s going to be bigger than Twilight, Hunger Games and 21 Jump Street combined.

    So, check it out – remember, I used to be just like you!

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