I don’t know why, but my dog and I like to put a lot of thought into farts. He’s obsessed with the notion that farts are actually poop bubbles, while I think I know a little bit better than that.
Anyway, since my wife is away for the weekend and us boys can do whatever we want, Sonic and I sat down and tried to identify the different types of farts we’ve encountered… and then match them up to people.
Here are our findings:
1. Quick and forgettable normal farts
These are the most common farts. They come, make a bit of noise and might cause people to notice for a bit, but it passes quickly and will soon be forgotten. They’re just about the most vanilla and generic farts that you will ever come across, so there’s really not too much to say about them.
Which sums up Blake Lively, really. Yeah, she’s in the hit TV show Gossip Girl, she’s been in a few movies… but honestly, who can pick her out of a line up of ten other blonde Hollywood actresses? And who’s going to remember her in five years?
If you think of blonde Hollywood actress, you’ll probably think of someone like her… but never her specifically.
Thus, the generic fart.
2. Silent and intense farts
Otherwise known as “silent killers”, these are the farts that are among the most feared of farts. They’re like snipers, or high quality poisons. You don’t see them, you don’t hear them, but all of a sudden you’ll be gagging and dying from the intense stench.
The person I could think of that embodies this is Crispin Glover… especially in his role as the creepy thin guy in Charlie’s Angels. He doesn’t say much, but he’s full of intensity and just feels pretty dangerous.
3. Loud and obnoxious farts
On the opposite end of the spectrum are those loud trumpet-sounding ones. They might not be particularly smelly or anything, but they’re definitely loud and most of the time because the person farting is forcing their farts out for attention-grabbing “comedic value”.
Cos, you know… farting loudly is always funny!
I don’t think I need to explain why Rosie O’Donnell is a good candidate to be the face of these farts.
4. Heated and painful farts
Anyone who likes spicy food is going to be familiar with these farts. These are the vengeful heated farts who act as the four horsemen of the apocalypse, ripping through your butt-hole with the fury of hellfire to punish you for the sins you’ve committed against your stomach. They aren’t necessarily loud, they’re usually but not necessarily smelly either. But their one defining feature is that their presence will be felt long on your butt-hole after the sound and smell subside.
Anyone who’s ever seen Al Pacino go into an apeshit monologue where his veins are popping out of his neck will know why he can be the leader of these farts.
PS I was using the word “butt-hole” because it seems more acceptable than “anus”. But in a post about farts, why am I worried about offending people?
5. Low rumbling and long-lasting farts
These are kinda similar to the loud and obnoxious types, but they’re different in that they’re very low and will rumble on and on, like an earthquake in your ass. Earthquake in your ass is probably an apt description, because it probably stems from lava in your stomach.
How better to sum this up than with Skrillex? Or more specifically, his music. Just to listen to this at 0:43 onwards, and tell me you’ve never farted like that before. The only difference is that the “OH MY GOSH” usually comes after the fart.
These are the prim and proper farts – the ones from people who are in public, and are trying not to bring any attention to themselves with their flatulence. The farts are squeaky and high-pitched, and will disappear as quickly as they came.
If these farts had hands, they’d probably bury their faces in their hands while running away.
Summing up these farts would be those stereotypical anime girls that are timid, have squeaky voices, and blush every few minutes from embarrassment.
Anyway, that’s about all the different farts Sonic and I could figure out. Do let us know if we’ve missed any by dropping a comment!