Ever since word got out that they were remaking Total Recall, I’ve been rolling my eyes. And it’s been quite bothersome because I work with computers so I have to tilt my head down to see the monitor – my boss probably thinks I’m sleeping.

Anyway, today they’ve released a teaser… not for the movie, but for the trailer that they’re going to release this Sunday. This is honestly the first time I’ve ever encountered a trailer for a trailer. Apparently this film is going be so fucking awesome that even its trailer warrants a trailer.

But you know what? It doesn’t look like it’s going to be that awesome at all.

There is nothing in this teaser that shows us anything we haven’t seen before.

  1. Colin Farrell sitting in that chair is pretty much just a remake of this iconic Arnie shot. I know it’s a reference to its original… but it seems to be the only thing that references the original at all, and Colin Farrell just doesn’t have Arnie’s expressiveness.
  2. Flying cars? Very Blade Runner-esque.
  3. Woman standing in front of explosion? Isn’t that a signature Michael Bay shot?
  4. Then there’s Kate Beckinsale standing behind two Mass Effect soldiers.
  5. And the two closer shots are so boring: it’s people falling. Falling in a car. Jumping and falling into a crowd. *Yawn*

Don’t get me wrong… It’s not like most modern trailers are that astoundingly fresh and amazing – but they don’t get trailers for their trailers either.

This movie’s just starting out entirely on the wrong foot. The original Total Recall was all sorts of awesome, with images and concepts that we’ll never see again. Here are some of my favorite elements of the original Total Recall that you probably won’t see in this remake:

  1. It’s one of the classic Arnie sci-fi movies, along with The Terminator, Predator and The Running Man, where the movies just play perfectly up to his strengths. Arnie is not in this movie.
  2. You’ll never see Sharon Stone as hot as this anymore.

  3. You’re not going to have one of the best character actors in the industry playing the bad guy muscle.
  4. Speaking of losing Arnie, you’re also losing those great one-liners, which Total Recall had plenty of. “Consider this a divorce”, “See you at the party, Richter”, and of course, this classic:
  5. Where else will you see a midget prostitute spraying an uzi at bad guys?
  6. Speaking of prostitutes, who can forget that three-boobed prostitute?

Ah well… let’s see what happens when the actual trailer comes out. In the meantime, let’s check out 160 of Arnie’s greatest quotes.

In hindsight, I probably decided to write this post because I wanted to break WordPress’ daily record for longest post title.


About Drew

I love videogames, movies, my wife and my dog (in no particular order).

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